We appreciate that you love turning into someone else for the space of an hour or so, and that you feel exhilarated once you hit your mark. We understand that in high school you got to play Emily in Our Town, watching the townsfolk from your perch in the afterlife, and that you once had a leading role in The Effect of Gamma Rays on Man-in-the-Moon Marigolds, but you delivered your lines too earnestly and were too eager to please. Unfortunately you do not have what it takes to be a star and will always be relegated to the “second girl” or the waitress with one or two lines that you’ll belt out with imperfect timing. Although we are not the most prestigious acting school in the greater Los Angeles area, we do take pride in having a rigorous curriculum that requires all students to be fluent in diction, singing, movement arts, and a certain indefinable “something,” a je ne sais quoi that gives a young woman presence on the stage. Thank you for choosing drama as your major at Cal State Northridge. We wish you the best of luck in finding your niche elsewhere. It’s not your fault you just haven’t quite “grown into” your body yet. Some girls simply are not coordinated enough to be a member of this elite troupe. ![]() Although we know you looked forward to wearing the cute kilt and argyle kneesocks, the crisp white dress shirt and the tasseled shoes, we regret to inform you that you did not make the cut into the second round of auditions. Thank you for trying out to be a Highland Dancer. Sorry to say no! Please do try out for one of the rebound-girlfriend positions in the future. P.S.: Though your brother is one of the star players, we could not take this familial relationship into account. This selfless act will help the team members learn the art of ignoring lovesick girls. This letter is to inform you that you have not been chosen for one of the coveted positions, but we do invite you to continue hanging around the lockers as if you belong there. As you can imagine, we have received hundreds of similar requests and so cannot possibly respond personally to every one. Thank you for your application to be the girlfriend of one of our star basketball players. The Boys’ Council of Patrick Henry Junior High Watching others have a good time is excellent preparation for the roles you will play in the future. Do feel free to attend on your own, perhaps with another rejectee, and stand awkwardly in a corner with a glass of warm punch in your sweaty hand. The volume of requests we receive makes individual feedback impossible, but please know that you were given careful consideration. We regret to inform you that no suitable match has been found to accompany you to the school dance. ![]() We are pleased to offer you remedial training in the arts, but we cannot accept your “drawing” for display. In fact, they look like nothing at all, and the pleasure and pride you take in the work are not enough to redeem it. But your smudges look nothing like a tree. We appreciate your efforts, especially the way you sat patiently on the sidewalk, gazing at that tree for an hour before setting pen to paper, and the many quick strokes of charcoal you executed with enthusiasm. Thank you for your attempt to draw a tree. ![]() Any resemblance to the author’s life and the people she has known is purely intentional. The following letters, though never written, are based on real events.
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